new year's declaration

2013...gone already?

Year of finding a voice lost long ago.

Year of welcoming my third baby.

Year of reaching a new level in my marriage.

Year of creativity.

Year of growth.

Year of acceptance.

2013, even though you were riddled with some tears and growing pains, you were good to me. 

I know Jesus more because of you.

But next year, its gonna be good too. Because who wants to say that their next year is gonna be bad?

Next year, is a big year. I am not 100% sure why exactly, but I can feel it. 

There is gonna be a lot of changes next year, for the better. I feel the Lord is gonna do something big in our little family.

2014 I am ready for ya!

But you are making me realize some things I could work on changing.

So here is my declaration 2014!

I stephanie johnson, will get my booty up earlier in the mornings for quiet time. Which means I will put my booty in bed earlier at night. I will do better with time management!

 I will exercise. I just laughed out loud at this one, but I will do it! For reals. I have a condition called "muffin top" and it can only be cured with kale. Ok, maybe more than just kale, but kale will help!

I will run. I will run sometimes (let's not get too crazy!)

 I will stop eating the cookie dough in the fridge.

I will stop buying so much cookie dough.

I will drink more water! Get ready trusty Camelback!

I will read more instead of watch tv. I will ask people to hold me accountable to this, and maybe even read with me.

I will get better glasses (I really like the big glasses "nerdy" look, then realized the big glasses take up half my face, not comfy)

I will have more faith. I will trust that all things are possible with God.

I will start looking at oppurtunities with optimism and endurance rather than fear and doubt.

I will look at that mountain and say move.

I will daily take up my cross and wear a crown of thorns, knowing one day soon those will be exchanged for royal adornments.

I will show my kids, that Jesus is our greatest treasure. I will talk of Him daily, constantly.

I will laugh with my husband more, and encourage him.

I will serve my friends with integrity and humbleness.

I will face the changes ahead of me with grace (and a full water bottle)

In Jesus name, bless this upcoming year.

Sincerely, steph.

 

From Vermont to the Heavens

Vermont you say? You know it's cold in Vermont?

These are usually the responses we get (and first gave) when we talk about where the Lords called us to go.

You see Jesus wasn't specific about locations in His great commission, He said go everywhere.

Go to the ends of the earth and back again declaring My name.

When we first spoke with Ben and Kayla Whittinghill about the Lord's calling in their lives to plant a church in Brattleboro Vermont, my hubs and I were supportive, and a little bewildered. As new believers we saw how The Lord called believers into exotic countries, to places far and wide. But to be a missionary in America? 

We were brought to the sad reality that though there are many in nations far that need to hear the good news, there's many in America that need to hear it too. And they don't need to just hear, they need to see Jesus in the lives of those that are faithful to go and witness.

At first, we prayed for our dear friends, we prayed for their mission and protection and for those lost in Vermont. Over months our prayers changed into seeking confirmation if The Lord would call us to join them. Over much time, over the course of seeking counsel from God, devouring the Word with earnest, He confirmed. And He hasn't ceased to confirm since. 

And now here we are, in the midst of preparation, and friends, I'm scared. 

I'm a planner, a scheduler, I love lists and to write them and check them off, and this new season, there are no lists. There's only faith. There's stepping out of my comfort and control, and placing myself and little family into the sure and steady hands of the One who holds all things together. 

There is no PowerPoint layout of what our lives are gonna look like from here on out. There's only a command for us to "go and make disciples of peoples in Vermont, declaring My name from there to the Heavens."

And this next year, the one that's right around the corner, it's rich with God's promises. Time to let go of the fear in this valley, and cling to the Savior that's right here in the middle of it with me.

My Christmas Happys

So I know I said that fall was my husband's jams, but in reality Christmas is the jams of those jams for my man. When it comes to decorating and gift giving and merriment, he is all in. The Christmas carols and Michel Buble Christmas cd get whipped out early in this household! Weeks before Thanksgiving he was already shower singing (term I made up while one sings in the shower without knowing someone else is listening) "Let it snow."

But I am so thankful for his excitement, because it excites me and our kids about the joy of this season. The joy the angels felt when they proclaimed the good news of our Savior's birth to the shepherds on that hill. The joy Mary felt when this little babe she had grown and loved since speaking to Gabriel had made His way into her arms. The joy earth felt when at last, her King had come! 

This joy has been welcomed into our home as the crafting and decorating for this season has gotten into full swing!

 Our Christmas tree stands tall and proud high above the reaches of grabby little two year old hands!

 Baby trees and a bird! If you have never seen the clip of the show Portlandia's "Put a Bird on It," you are missing out. One of my best friends gave me a couple fake birds to decorate with because she knows that cracks me up!

This little banner I made out of a yard of burlap, some twine and a sharpie marker. Unfortunately due to the stockings you can only see the "Silent" part of "Silent Night." I promise I didn't make a banner that said "silent" to get my kids to be quiet now and then, but hey everybody needs visual reminders sometimes!

 My husband came up with the idea to make this little stocking holder guy. He used a random piece of wood we had laying in the basement, does anybody else have random wood in your house? Anyway he grabbed some old drawer handles and chalkboard paint and made this cutie!

 My happy little tree family! My daughter came up with the idea of making a unique tree for each member of our family. She gets most of her creativity from her mama, dad helped.

 Ah the entryway table, one of my favorite little nooks in our home.

 A great and wonderfully talented friend of mine drew this on our chalkboard, she whipped this guy out in less than twenty minutes! I am so glad she could do this for me because it would have taken me til Christmas to get it done and not look this good!

 This tiny yet serene nativity has been in my family a long time, and it makes me tear up and smile all at the same time.

And shout out to the greatest candle ever made!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope ya'll enjoy your Christmas happys and sharing in the joy of Christ's birth!

Ten Things About Me

1. I love black and white photos, seriously, it can be a pic of a garbage can and if its black and white I am just kinda drawn to it.
2. I have relearned to play guitar like three times now, each time I start practicing again I get pregnant and my belly gets in the way and then I cant reach the strings and forget everything....oh man I just started practicing again.
3. I love old stuff. Old quilts, old tables, old chests, just the character in each piece makes it so enjoyable.
4. I think bohemian is about the cutest kind of style there is out there, and I like to dress like a hippie occasionally (the kind that keep their clothes on obviously!)
5. I am really considering taking the plunge and getting my nose pierced, but am held back by fears of what people may say or think of me, which as I am typing this out sounds silly.
6. I committed my life to Christ after watching an intense YouTube video about Heaven and Hell, went to church all my life and never heard the gospel like I did that day almost two years ago. Praise God for using different tools to open people's eyes.
7. My hubs and I are planning to move our little family to Vermont to help disciple and do life with the people of Rivertown church. (You can read more about their vision and calling at www.thewhittinghills.blogspot.com) And I will be posting a lot about the Lord's work and preparation for my family on here.
8. I cant ski, and I am moving to Vermont. One time on my first and only ski trip, I went down a bunny slope on my booty while three year olds ski'd right on past me like mini Olympic champions. They turned their little perfectly balanced skiing selves around and laughed at me.
9. I have two tattoos. One on my wrist that says Faith, and another on my foot that we lovingly call "a bad idea." It was supposed to be a butterfly but to this day its been called everything but a butterfly, snail, turtle, side butt etc.
10. My favorite kind of worship music doesnt involve a big band, just a guitar and good singing. Praise Jesus for making music in our hearts for Him.

So there's ten things about me! Hope yall are having a great Monday!

Six months!!

This is my sweet Asher Man, my sweet chubba lub/chumba/rubba dub chubs/. And this little angel turned 6 months old on Friday!! I still tear up thinking about how fast this has gone by. I mean, he is my third and I know it goes by fast, but still catches me off guard each and every time. This angel is a pure joy! Truly lives up to his name Asher, "happy am I!"

Lord my plea, more of You and less of me

Humility. How The Lord uses it to bring about such a sanctifying and sweet surrendering process to His children. Lately, He's been speaking this word to me. Teaching me, and through Jesus's example, showing me. But I fail so often, I'm discovering most of my arguments, my disagreements with people, they're brought on when I allow myself to get consumed with myself. I think that makes sense, I hope it does, it's one of those things that sounds good in your head and I'm starting to trail off here. Let's just say when I'm more concerned about the affairs of steph, I become defensive and unpleasant to be around. Yeah basically I can be a brat.
But grace, grace comes in in and works on our hearts, molding the me me me, into the You You You. The Lord has begun a time of preparation for my little family, a season of preparation for an upcoming mission The Lord has asked us to be a part of. Already He has been more than faithful to reveal our weak areas, and show His strength to sustain us. Humility can be an unpleasant word, it doesn't fit in with this fallen world. But so often in scripture we are told how blessed are the humble in spirit, that The Lord sustains them, forgives them, and delights in them. Let us all be strong enough to kneel and bow before the most humble of Kings.

(On a side note I wrote this post on my phone, so if my phone has once again decided to copy and paste a text to this post I apologize, my iPhone has no humility)

My phone misbehaved

I should not blog on my phone. Why? Because my phone will randomly copy and paste a text about my son's atrocious bug bite right in the middle of my post! Sorry bout that y'all! Thankfully we got that all taken care of!

A Rock and Instagram

So I've been off Instagram now for over a month, over a month people!  Let's say The Lord had to do a lot of convicting and working in my heart to cast out and "amputate" if you will  some things (social media) I'd let get  too strong of a hold on my heart. But  in the past month the Lord's taught me to rely and trust in His genuine design for my life. That people can say and be and do anything they can imagine on social media, and it can not be true in real life. So I shouldn't get sooo entangled in that. There are many honest and inspiring. People out there, each unique, each created in His image. I've  missed seeing little snippets of that. The Lord has said "you're ready" I'd just like as much faith in  that as He has. No more comparing, no more anxiety over how many likes I have on a picture or whaDoc said most likely a bug bite or zit that got infected so giving him an antibiotic. Says could be chicken pox but highly unlikely t that person thinks of me . Time to  put my big girl pants on and grow. No more being stuck between a rock and Instagram, time to treacherous out, time to trust. 

Inspire Us

Fall is here!

Even though it is still a little warm (it is Georgia after all) it is October which means it is fall time! I love this season for so many reasons. A main reason is because this season is my husband's jams right here. He always gets in a real holidayish festivey mood ( I just created some new words voila!) and if it was socially acceptable I think he would run out in the backyard each morning and dance in the fallen leaves. Seriously.

Honestly I wish I was more computer and camera savvy so I could upload some pretty adorable pics of my posse at the pumpkin patch, but alas I am still learning how to use our new laptop so as soon as my brain starts working again I will upload some! Plus I also have a beautiful photographer friend who will be taking some family pics next month and she always makes us look good, seriously there are never any pictures she takes which I dont like, she is that good! So I will upload some of them as well!

I have got a lot of things planned for this little space of mine! Hopefully a personally designed space and many diy projects coming soon!

I have been so inspired lately of the uniqueness of each individual. The Lord really is the ultimate designer, He created each of us with a different set of skills, likes and dislikes, and style. And I have been so inspired by all of this lately and embracing my own style and appreciating my Maker. So like I said, pics, tutorials, and more coming your way! Now I am off to down my second cup o joe! Adios! 

Love Story: Year One....Newlyweds

"I am 23 and I have been married for close to six years." 

I feel like I get the same shocked expression from each stranger that comes up to me and asks my husband and I how old we are and how long we have been married. 

That is probably so weird and random but let me explain by stating my husband is a good foot taller than I am. Ok I gave myself some credit, he is a foot and some change. We also have been asked if we are siblings before.

So long story short we get asked a lot of questions when we are out in public together and being affectionate because Justin kind of looks like my older brother and I look like his 12 year old sister.  So I think when people see us holding hands and occasionally smooching, they feel a sense of duty to make sure nothing "sketchy" is going on. My poor hubs, he has gotten quite the few nasty stare downs from people ( especially when I have a big swollen pregnant belly!)

I may make a DIY shirt that reads 

"I AM NOT HIS SISTER"

Anywho, Justin and I got married at 17, saying it out loud doesnt shock me as much as it used to but then I think of one of my kids getting married at that age and I faint a little. Funny story, we had to have our parents sign for us to get married. A permission slip if you will. A lot of our friends get a good kick out of that little sidenote. I hope our children do too  (inset their mortified faces sixteen years from now.)

So newlyweds, so newlyweds with a toddler. Boy oh boy. Let me just say glory to Jesus for redeeming a marriage that started off on a rocky path, although it felt like we started off in a volcanoe. Marriage is a sanctifying process, it takes a lot of grace for the Lord to convict us of our selfishness and teach us to serve others, and parenting and marriage are the strongest tools He uses for that. 

A lot of people will tell you that their first year as newlyweds was awesome and wonderful and a bit like a dream come true. Ours sadly was not, but we did not know Jesus then, so I am grateful He kept us together until we were saved. 

But the first year was hard, we were teenagers, we had a one year old, and a few months after us getting married, my mom left my dad and sister. 

I wont go into a lot of detail about that on here, but let's just say walking in on your mom packing up her things to leave, waiting for you dad and sister to get back from vacation to find my mom had left, witnessing my father weeping as if his heart had been ripped out of him, and watching my family fall apart did something to me, and it wasnt pretty. I became depressed and bitter. I became overprotective of my daughter, and bitter towards Justin. I guess in my mind I was protecting Maddie and I against the idea that Justin would just up and leave us as well. I was protecting us from something that hadnt even happened. 

Year one was hard, full of fighting and words I still wish I could take back and never have said to my man, but the last two years, they have been full of treausred moments, witnessing Jesus redeem our marriage, I honestly say I love Justin more each year that goes by. Thank God for His perfect timing in our lives. We look back on our first few years of marriage and feel regret, but we look ahead to our future and see hope, and His name is Jesus. 

Smackdown! Master Disaster is 2!

Toddler boys.

I think they deserve their own sentence. I think that sentence explains a lot.

I love my sweet boy Jax dont get me wrong, but homie has decided to become a mini WWE fighter and it is NOT cool. 

I feel in the past week he and most of the boys his same age have decided to practice some fighting skills. These sills include biting, pinching, sitting upon, smacking, trowing sticks, hair pulling, and the ever popular "yank my friend off of a stool to the hard floor" trick. These guys are really putting the smackdown on each other. No worries all good and consistent discipline is dished out in response to these fighting matches. At times I feel like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible with this whole teaching a toddler about gentleness and patience, but I do have the Jesus on my side so I know theres victory! Some days I require a little more of that patience for myself.

My new motto is "Jesus take the wheel! Take it from my hands!"

It is like all of a sudden now that the age of 2 is upon us, Master Disaster has arrived.

Master Disaster, this is what I would call my son for his stage wrestling name.

So Master Disaster is turning two, two! My sweet boy I can hardly believe it. Jax was our healing baby. I say healing because the Lord gave us Jaxon at a time when our hearts were crushed from two miscarriages. Then a few weeks after we lost our second babe, we found out we were pregnant. And from that moment on I have never stopped thanking God for the healing He brought to my heart with giving me Jax. 

So Master Disaster is 2, and you know what one of his presents will be? Potty training. Yes, happy birthday, dont you wish I was your mother?

 Let's face it I have two kiddos in diapers and diapers just aint cheap. I have a six year old girl who has been successfully potty trained, I figure my odds are pretty good with this little guy. It is worth a shot anyway, already prepared my potty training arsenal with Cars undies, plastic covers and M&Ms.

 I know I will have accidents to clean, there may be tears (mostly on my end), but I'm guessing it's gonna be cheaper to clean a few messes than buy $100 worth of diapers each month. 

And the Johnson's wallets said amen! 

Coming to Terms

This morning I am coming to terms. Coming to terms with grief pented up in my heart. Coming to terms with bitterness and expelling it out of my heart.

Coming to terms that this world is FALLEN.

This is NOT how God wanted things to be. It IS because of OUR sin.  

Does this world not make heaven even more desirable? Does this world not put that urge to share the gospel with those who are lost and think this world is it? 

Jesus assures us that He has overcome this world. And as His followers, as those who have the Holy Spirit indewelling them, in Him we have overcome as well.

Praising God that we have hope, we have heaven as an eternal promise and inheritance. Every tear, every single one, those shed in beds at night and those shed during times of intense grief and suffering, every single one will be wiped away. 

Come swiftly Lord Jesus.

When He says "No"

I have gone back and forth with what I want to do with this blog. What I want this blog to say. How I want to say things in this blog. And after struggling with caring more to please man than God, I was convicted. The Lord laid starting a blog on my heart for one specific purpose, and that purpose was to bring glory to Himself through both the ups and downs of my life. To not only challenge me to share parts (I save some bits for myself) of my life and what it brings, but to be honest with my feelings through it.I know that He has a purpose in all things, even someone sitting down in front of their computer and typing out an emotionally raw post, there is His good purpose in it.

So today, I am emotionally exhausted. Today my heart is so heavy. Today tears escape my eyes. And I say escape because I wish so badly they would end and I try to contain them. 

Yesterday was filled with tears, pleading, and surrender to a God who's ways I do not understand. If you have never heard of Diana Stone, she is a fellow blogger and sister in Christ. Yesterday, unbearable pain and agony washed over her and her family as their little baby boy passed into glory. This isnt the first time her family has endured such gut-wrenching pain. 

Yesterday found me shut in my prayer closet on bent knees begging and pleading with God to spare this child. To heal this child and give him a full happy life with his family. Yesterday I begged God to rip this cup out of this precious family's hands, but then I had to say the hard part, I had to say "not my will but Your's be done Abba."

In that moment I was reminded of Jesus in the garden. Jesus was there, on bended knee face to the ground crying and pleading with His Father. So much so that He sweated blood. He SWEATED blood. I have yet to pray that hard. It was there Jesus set for us the perfect example of prayer and a humble heart.

He first said, "not my will but YOURS be done."

Sometimes God says yes, and sometimes He says no. He did not remove the cup from Christ's hands, because it was for our good. He poured wrath onto His own son, and He did that for us. And broken and bleeding and humiliated, Jesus still worshipped God.

So yes I am sad, I am utterly confused at so many things, I am hurting in many ways like so many. But I refuse to do anything less than praise my Savior, author and finisher of my salvation. God never promised a life on earth filled with yes's, so let us cling to our hope and Anchor during the no's. 

I'm Just Gonna Say Yes

I have been in quite the valley of despair, suffering and confliction lately. So many things lay heavy on my heart, so  many "what ifs" and "why nots" that I have been putting on replay in my head. Quite frankly I am putting a lot of trust in myself and my circumstances. Quite frankly I am sinning. 

It's been one of those weeks. One of those weeks where both your sons are teething at the exact same time, your daughter starts 1st grade and  your husband prepares to start a new job. One of those weeks that during it I put a lot of trust in myself to suck it up and get things done! Oh quiet time, well I will get to that, after all I am being a bad homemaker if I sit down and have a few precious minutes of prayer and fellowship. After all I am being a bad homemaker if my house isnt spotless all the time, and my bathroom doesnt smell like roses and my children are not dressed to a T. Isnt this right? 

Truth is if this is whats right then I'd like to be wrong a whole lot more often. Out of this valley of confliction the Lords showing me a whole lot of truth, truth that time with  Him, is much more important for my family then a spotless home. Oh conviction you slay me! 

So for now, though I am still walking through a dismal valley, I am going to just say "yes." Yes when the Lord calls me to some quiet time, yes to praying for someone more diligently, yes to playing with my kids more, yes to taking my hubs out on more dates, yes to exploring and laughing and loving. Yes to being me and finding joy in the unique ways the Lord made me. He made only one of me, and its time I stop comparing, wishing, lusting to make myself dress or act like other people, and time to start desiring a little more of allowing the Spirit to mold me into His image, instead of trying to mold Him into mine. Will you just say "yes" with me?   

This Life a Battlefield

This month is gonna be a crazy one, filled with a mini vacation, my baby starting 1st grade and the anniversary of two of the hardest events of my life. In just a few days will mark three years since I lost my first sweet angel baby,Noah. Eventually I will write more about this sweet angel, when my heart is ready. But sharing that pain, writing it in words, takes time to prepare. This month also marks a year to a very intense, horrifying yet clarifying season in my life. A season I'm still in, a season I'm still heavily relying on The Lord to carry me thru.

A friend of mine, who graciously saw me thru a dark day and opened her ears and tears for me, told me that this truth was a battlefield. A battlefield I was left in after the damage, with the dead and decay of the result of war. A battlefield our God was not about to leave me in. She said all this time, there was death and hurt around me, a silent fog of sincere suffering. But The Lord slowly shifted the scenery, with the revelation of truth came a light on the horizon of this field. No longer is there death, but the truth and provision of the Light. However this field is still slightly hazy, I see the Light always in front, but this fog I must be guided thru for the sun to finally clear away these wounds. If you're ever stuck in your field of death, allow The Lord to break your haze with a hopeful horizon, He promises to see you where you are and lead you.

One day I'm gonna capture this break of light thru a foggy battlefield, frame it, and let it sit as a reminder of this season. Because though I'm still in in, I'm confident my God will walk me to healing, and I never want to forget such love. 

Our Love/Birth Story :Part Three (B)
The Day You Were Born

Oh this was an interesting day. You know those horrible birth videos that people make and the women are screaming and there's blood everywhere and for a second you think "am I watching a birth story or a horror movie?" Thats the kind of material Justin and I were shown to prepare for Maddie's birth. Let's just say one of us may have thrown up. 

At sixteen, Justin and I still had very little clue about what to expect about labor and delivery. We had attended a birthing class which consisted of a very strict doula who was all about the "natural delivery process." Well I can tell you the idea of a water birth sounded good for about two seconds until I found out that you cant have an epidural, then I nixed that idea. If we can do water births with an epidural I would be the guinea pig for sure! (This is not an admittance I plan on having more children, this falls under a big category labeled "Maybe, or Not Ever") But I decided au naturale was not for me. Justin backed me up in that decision, his view was if it keeps me from screaming loudly and possibly crippling one or both of his hands, then thumbs up for painkillers! Don't get me wrong, I have the biggest respect for peeople who can do it without any drugs, if I wasnt such a weenie I would! I actually think yall are wonder woman. Seriously, mad props to you mamas who can do it on your own! There was one point with one of my sons were I was just gonna breathe through the contractions and not start the epidural, but then it got so bad I almost hyperventilated, so hence I cant go natural I would pass out all the time. 

So Sunday March 18 comes along, just like any other day. I am 36 weeks pregnant and still attempting to pull my prepregnancy tshirts over my bulging belly. My friend stops by in the afternoon to say hey. Justin is over hanging out, and there's literally nothing exciting going on in the belly. Then suddenly, my back started hurting and cramping.
"Ok," I thought, "This is incredibly weird but I guess this comes with being nine months prego." I shrugged it off and continued on talking. Then another cramp came along right in my lower back and it made me suck in my breath and wince. Oh boy, game time. The cramps (as I came to find out later "back labor contractions") came like fireworks exploding on the 4th of July. They were consistent, they were relentless, and I was freaking out. I called for me my mom and said "uh my back hurts." And from then all mass hysteria broke out in that house.
My sister immediately broke into tears and started on a rampant about a cookie she had gotten for lunch that the dog had eaten that day (my sister has never been one to have grace under pressure), and my mom and Justin started running around and rushing me out the door. They were extrememly excited, nervous, and a bit crazy.
We arrived at the hospital only to wait 30 mintues in check-in being asked questions if I was in labor, if so blah blah blah and so on. After getting settled into triage I got checked for progress (yowza I did not realize how much I was gonna hate that), and found out I was already 4 cm dilated! Baby day!
I don't remember too much of the process, like I said I opted for the painkillers so I was a little out of it. I remember the epidural process only because that was the only instance Justin almost threw up, the big needle and catheter made him quesy (and now he's a fireman, go figure). I wasn't in labor very long, about 8 hours, which I consider to be pretty short considering I know a few people who's labor was over 24 hrs!
 Pushing time came and my mom came by me and grabbed my hand, Justin was headed for the other side of my head when a nurse stopped him.
"Where do you think you are going?", she questioned, "you are gonna stay down here and hold her leg and see up close and personal what you did." Now I am not saying this nurse had a personal vendetta against all teenage daddies, but she was making sure Justin was gonna feel just as much pain as I did. Poor guy, seriously, I did not even want to look!
If I only had a camera to capture that moment on Justin's face. From white to green to blue to purple, boy was all shades of the rainbow. But he was a great leg prop! Pushing began and after each push I was promised it would be my last. Ladies, this is such a lie, no push is ever your last push until the baby comes out, obviously, but I was promised it was my last push for 45 minutes. Right before the end I freaked out started crying and wanting to give up.
My mom and Justin just encouraged me and told me they would be there, they wouldn't let me quit, and I was gonna be ok. I felt my mom's hand on my head gently supporting me, and saw tears in her eyes. I heard Justin exclaim "here she comes!"
And there she came, and since that day March 19, at 12:24 am, that little tubby 5lb 15oz girl has grown and changed me, just like she is gonna change this world. 

Love Story: Part Three (A)

Love Story:Part Three (A)

This post has taken me forever to write for many reasons. One reason is I have three kids under the age of 7 and any free time I get to myself I usually take a shower and dry my hair, usually by the time I am done one of my kiddos has pooped or wants a snack (not always in that order.) The other reason is this part of my life feels so long ago, it almost feels like remembering an old movie you watch and after a few months forget all the details. Also, because since becoming saved 18 months ago, it hurts to think back on the old person I was. But oh how looking back makes me grateful for Christ and His great grace He gave me, and making me a NEW person in Him. So the best way I can began this part of our story is with a simple phrase "16 and pregnant."

After a couple years of being together, Justin and I decided to make a very adult decision in a very immature time in our life. We bought into the lie that if you love someone, then it's ok to have sex with them. Wrongo! Since becoming saved we have both realized that true love waits, true love is patient. It waits for the covenant of marriage, it waits for the blessing from God after a couple becomes husband and wife. Lust does not wait, and is not patient. And like most teenagers, we believed to be invincible. After all you can only get pregnant if you are old and married right? (we didnt really believe that we just told ourselves that so we felt better about having sex, sometimes I want to slap 16yr old me in the head.) Dont get me wrong, Justin and I did love each other, we have never been with anyone else, but our view on love was distorted, crowded by lies of this world and what "love and sex" look like in this fallen world. So the summer we were sixteen we started having sex. I am not proud of our deceit, our selfishness and our extreme disregard of the Lord's gentle warnings. But in the midst of those things, the Lord saw fit to bless us, and I found out I was pregnant. I almost couldnt believe it, I was alone in the bathroom of a Publix stall and watched two lines become very dark and pink (to every mama out there you know which kind of test I am talking about). I called Justin and told him the news, we both were in shock, and not really knowing how to react so instead of freaking out we were like, "oh ok cool well now that we know let's continue on with our lives and everything will balance out" (insert head slap to self). So instead of accepting reality, owning up and telling our families, we just acted like the situation wasnt real. He continued football, and I continued cheerleading (insert BIG headslap!). About a month into our junior year of highschool, I became sick, horribly sick. I couldnt stop throwing up all day every day, and deep down I knew what was happening. I knew that this was God saying "steph, you are pregnant, this is real, this is happening, and you need to stop lying." Even though I wasnt saved at the time, the Lord still was convicting me and drawing me to Himself, such a patient God we serve. At Justin's house he had just told his mom, thats a story in itself! But I wasnt there so I will eventually let him share his side of the story! Anyway, his mom called mine and said they were heading over to talk, no other details. My mom just knew. So in my bathroom, after throwing up for the 50th time that day, my  mom looked me in the face and waited for the truth. I told with tears streaming down my face. That whole day seems forever ago now, so many emotions packed into one living room. The next day we went to the dr, I was already 14 weeks along in the pregnancy, and everything was healthy, and I heard Maddie's heartbeat, and suddenly the reality of everything hit home. That week Justin and I dropped out of our school, out of cheerleading, football, all our clubs, because in the Christian school we attended, having premarital sex was punished by expelling the students. And we knew that was only fair to walk away. 

It breaks my heart to hear of stories of girls who become pregnant and the boy just leaves, just walks away. That isnt this kind of story. Justin stood by my side the entire time. Though my dad was very upset, he wouldnt allow Justin around expect once a week, Justin supported me and told my parents he was going to be there, every step of the way, he wasnt going to walk away, he was going to own up to his responsibilities. To this day, my parents always say how proud they are of him, how much they respect him for becoming a man in a short amount of time, and not running away. I love him so much for that, every time I look at him I see that same goofy kid I fell in love with but something more, I see an older wiser version of him. I see the beauty that came from the ashes of sin, I see the Lord's work in his life, and I see the wonderful handiwork of our Creator in making a man who portrays the steady servant-heartedness of our Savior. 

During the months of throwing up, tears because I thought my life was over (head slap myself), losing friends and making new ones, saying goodbye but getting ready to say hello not only to a new little person, my sweet girl, but to a life that I have been blessed with that I could never have imagined for myself. Stay tuned for more, because believe me maddies birth story deserves its own post.

Love Story:Part Two

So it's been a few days since I've posted but I have three kids now! Sorry for the exclamation I still surprise myself when I say that. Anyway you're probably on your toes anxiously awaiting to hear how my hubs made his big move in asking me out, its really spectacular. We were sitting at the lunch table, he asked me if I wanted to "go out?" (We are 14 hence we can't drive hence "going out" really means "can I call you my girlfriend and you call me your boyfriend?") Anyway I paused for the longest time(I was a snob) then said "sure." Very casual. so there you had it, bam! instant couple. Oh wait, remember I said I was a snob...

So about an hour after Justin asks me "out," his best friend also asks me "out." This next part is quite terrible and I'm not proud, I said yes then proceeded to dump Justin like a sack o potatoes. True story. That relationship lasted a whole two days, apparently I came to my senses and dumped the other guy. I then thought I was hot stuff cause I went straight back to Justin who immediately asked me back out (if you ask him about the whole incident though its still a touchy subject- fair warning). He took me back, gotta love him. However Justin and i still remain buds with the other guy (apparently preteen dating silliness is easily forgiveable- phew!) And back on track now, so at 14 Justin and I started dating. Actually we never went anywhere by ourselves, our parents drove us to each other's homes to see each other, or wed go to friend's events or school events together(parents driving) Yes very cool. A fun fact, Justin was a football player (a sweaty football uniform never looked so sexy) and I was a cheerleader- this fact will be a little cliche later on so stay tuned. 

So a few (18) months passed and then so marks our first kiss. So very smooth and not a bit awkward..... No I can't lie, it lasted half a second and we were both so nervous and obviously had bad depth perception because our lips hit so hard together we both had a bleeding lip. Our first kiss was literally a head butt. Its not the kissing in the rain or at a train station right before one of the persons leave to go save the world scenario, but its us and I love it, plus this story is really gonna bless our kids down the road. Speaking of our kiddos stay tuned for part three coming soon. 

Our Love Story: Part One

 



I love a good love story. And when I say a good love story I don't mean the Disney fairy tale Nicholas Sparks drama kind of love story, but a real down to earth kind of love story. Where nothing is hidden, where two souls, two imperfect souls, connect and find each other. Where a big God brought two sinners together, and thru His grace kept their marriage intact, even before they were new beings in Christ. Where a love story God wrote many years ago began for me when I was twelve years old.

 

I met my husband for the first time in seventh grade. Let me be perfectly honest here, I was not impressed. Then again, Justin was a twelve year old boy who still considered girls to be on the bottom of his "things to think about after football" list. The first time meeting him in our little class of twenty something other kids, he was jumping around desks like his pants were on fire. The child could not sit still! And as far as my interests in boys, I was still recovering from learning of the guys from NSYNC breaking up. I was pretty convinced I was gonna grow up and marry Justin Timberlake. I did end up marrying a Justin though ;)

 

Justin continued being goofy our first year of meeting, and we didn't talk much. He had his paintballing, video game and football playing buddies, and I had my group of girlfriends who loved watching mushy love stories and daydreaming about our future husbands (and planning our weddings.) Typical preteen girl stuff. We literally watched each other enter those awkward teenage years, where crushes on celebrities turn into crushes on classmates.

My husband would tell me the first time he attempted to relay his feelings for me was in the eighth grade, when he made a remark about my height. (I'm a shrimpcakes I will admit that.) But I did not take the "compliment" well. I wittingly responded back with a comment of my own pointing out his "chicken legs" and feeling pretty confident in my verbal bantering. He laughed and poked at my height some more, he still tries to convince me it was because he was crushing on me...but that's still up for debate. So his big move to revealing his feelings for me didn't go over so well. Don't worry, his skills got a little better the following year.....



I am so utterly amazed and grateful for the power of prayer. Sadly it is one of the things I often take for granted, or to be completely honest, neglect to do. I often forget to take a step back and admire how much we as Christians need prayer, and how much God grows us when we humbly come to Him and have a conversation with Him. Whether you come to Him in praise, repentance, need, or just to thank Him, the important part of it all is that you come to Him. My hubs and I have been so convicted about this recently. You see we are praying about some major decisions for our family's future. We have been so neglectful about praying for these decisions, using some pretty lame excuses, but now we feel the pull in our hearts to buckle down, join hands and bow heads together in moments of prayerful petition for guidance from the Lord. My husband and I have said since we have been saved that we want our children not to grow up in a world of comfortable Christianity, but in a world where they see Christians living radically and giving up certain comforts for the sake of spreading the gospel. We want our kids to  witness a radical movement of the church body and to be a part of it. To think eternally, not temporary. To be kingdom minded and to stand apart from this world. To shoot out our little arrows sharpened and ready for battle. None of this however can be possible without the power of the Holy Spirit, and we as a couple, as parents, cannot expect to know what is going on unless we humbly seek and ask the Lord for guidance. Jesus sets for us perfect examples of prayer, so let us all take into heart His words "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

What's in a name? Part One

Here is a tidbit behind the inspiration for the title of my blog

 "His eye is on the Sparrow"

Why should I feel discouraged?

Why should the shadows come

Why should my heart feel lonely

And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion

A constant friend is He

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches me

"Let not your hearts be troubled," His tender word I hear,

And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;

Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,

When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,

I draw the close to Him, from care He sets me free;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. 

 Grace
In life we find ourselves faced with choices. Choices to obey, to pursue, to love, to forgive, and to show grace. As a Christian, these characteristics are part of who we are in Christ, but they don't just magically appear. We have to put these into practice. I have asked the Lord many times to give me an opportunity to practice grace, to show someone grace, and He provided. When my little sister came over and told me she was pregnant, I had a variety of emotions. Am i proud of most of them? No, not at all, I reacted out of the flesh, out of impulse reaction instead of surrendering everything to the one who surrendered everything for me. My heart broke into tiny pieces that day, not because my sister was expecting, but because of the circumstances surrounding this lil one and my sister's life. When I was sixteen I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and my husband and I had to grow up in a certain matter of months, but my hubby stayed by my side the whole time. So I definitely understood where Allie was emotionally. Sadly, the father of my nephew hasn't stayed in the picture, and my sister made the most unselfish act when she decided to say goodbye to an abusive relationship and think of what was best for her son. Since then I have clinged to the various Scriptures in the Bible describing our God as a "Father to the fatherless." I pray these for my lil nephew and sister. Some of the most amazing, self-sacrificing, and loving people I know have come from a home with no earthly father. I wasn't happy about the situation at first, embarrassing to say I was a little emotional (partly because I am four weeks prego ahead of my sis) and because I was acting selfish. But God having great grace on me spoke into my heart, that in everything there is a blessing. Sometimes we have to dig around to find the blessing, much like a determined gardener who digs and digs until they find the best soil, but it is there. So I grabbed my shovel (bulldozer) and started digging, and you know what?-I found many blessings. Blessed to be pregnant at the same time as my lil sis, to walk with her through her stages of pregnancy and ease her mind from all her questions and concerns. After all this is her first and I am about to have my third, so I definitely have some answers! Blessed to show Allie the love of Christ by showering her and my lil nephew with love and grace. Blessed to be getting a nephew, who I know will be the apple of my sister's eye.  Blessed my son will have a cousin extremely close in age. Blessed beyond blessed that we have a Creator who blessed Allie with this new little life who I love so much already. So in learning to practice grace, we need to start digging out the blessings. So look at your circumstances, and grab whatever tool you think will get the job done, whether it be a shovel or bulldozer, and dig until you find the rich soil of a blessing from God.

Be content in all things

Finally taking that leap of faith! For a few months now the Lord has been pressing upon my heart to begin a blog. And for a few months I came up with a lot of reasons of why I cant have a blog. However, the Lord was patient (and determined) and I could not fight this calling any longer. I have found though that I am excited, peaceful and expectant about this decision, and I believe the Lord blesses His children with these feelings when they step out in obedience.
So my first initial day of blogging has already been eye opening and humbling! I figured now is the best time to share what the Lord has already been opening my eyes to. This morning I woke up in one of those moods. The weather once again felt like winter and not spring, the sky was grey and cloudy, and my 35 week pregnant belly was feeling a little bigger today. Instantly I started finding things to complain about. "I need new glasses I am blind and frustrated! I need a new phone mine has become narcoleptic!" and the ever poplular "I cant be pregnant anymore, I just dont have anymore room!" Thankfully our God is good and patient and gracious. He tugged on my heart in the middle of my pity party and reminded me to look for the blessings in my struggles. Start off my day in praise and thanks, or start off my day complaining about some things then finding more things to complain about the rest of the day. I was humbled, and praised God for being as patient as He is. So I looked for a blessing in each little complaint. I am not allowed to drive right now anyway so I don't need glasses just yet. I will get an upgrade on a phone soon so I should be thankful for the quiet moments I get when my current phone "takes a nap." Lastly I am thankful for a body that has been able to carry a baby longer than anyone expected, and that this lil guy is big n healthy. Paul writes in Phillippians about being content no matter what situation he was in. I have found that beginning my days, my circumstances, my trials with praise and thanks toward my Father, I am LEARNING to be content in all things. Do I do this everyday faithfully? No, but practice makes perfect and thankfully our God is abundant in grace.