When He says "No"

I have gone back and forth with what I want to do with this blog. What I want this blog to say. How I want to say things in this blog. And after struggling with caring more to please man than God, I was convicted. The Lord laid starting a blog on my heart for one specific purpose, and that purpose was to bring glory to Himself through both the ups and downs of my life. To not only challenge me to share parts (I save some bits for myself) of my life and what it brings, but to be honest with my feelings through it.I know that He has a purpose in all things, even someone sitting down in front of their computer and typing out an emotionally raw post, there is His good purpose in it.

So today, I am emotionally exhausted. Today my heart is so heavy. Today tears escape my eyes. And I say escape because I wish so badly they would end and I try to contain them. 

Yesterday was filled with tears, pleading, and surrender to a God who's ways I do not understand. If you have never heard of Diana Stone, she is a fellow blogger and sister in Christ. Yesterday, unbearable pain and agony washed over her and her family as their little baby boy passed into glory. This isnt the first time her family has endured such gut-wrenching pain. 

Yesterday found me shut in my prayer closet on bent knees begging and pleading with God to spare this child. To heal this child and give him a full happy life with his family. Yesterday I begged God to rip this cup out of this precious family's hands, but then I had to say the hard part, I had to say "not my will but Your's be done Abba."

In that moment I was reminded of Jesus in the garden. Jesus was there, on bended knee face to the ground crying and pleading with His Father. So much so that He sweated blood. He SWEATED blood. I have yet to pray that hard. It was there Jesus set for us the perfect example of prayer and a humble heart.

He first said, "not my will but YOURS be done."

Sometimes God says yes, and sometimes He says no. He did not remove the cup from Christ's hands, because it was for our good. He poured wrath onto His own son, and He did that for us. And broken and bleeding and humiliated, Jesus still worshipped God.

So yes I am sad, I am utterly confused at so many things, I am hurting in many ways like so many. But I refuse to do anything less than praise my Savior, author and finisher of my salvation. God never promised a life on earth filled with yes's, so let us cling to our hope and Anchor during the no's.