Yearning to be anxiety free (but happier note my baby turned 7!)

Lately, it has been hard to know what to blog about.
Last weekend I was battling a major crisis of faith.
I had allowed doubt and anxiety to riddle my heart that I didn't recognize them as sins anymore.
I justified them in my heart, I made excuses for them.
I blamed God, then myself, then God again, and then occasionally other people.
But the Spirit wouldn't let me rest in my doubt, He convicted, He allowed for sleepless nights of questioning and prayer. Of seeking. Of confessing.
My husband asked me to write down a list of everything that was making me so anxious.
I filled out and entire page.
An ENTIRE page.
I am admitting this because I feel most women out there can relate, when it comes to anxiety, it is either conquer it or be destroyed by it.
But those that love God, can overcome it, because God does not want us to remain in it.
He frees us from its bondage, He frees us from its ever crushing, condemning, crippling nature.
And it starts with confession of it.
That is where I am this week, dealing with my anxiety,
allowing the Spirit to dig its roots out of my heart.
It is a process, often painful but effective.
On a happier note my sweet baby girl turned 7 this week!

My little sweet sassy tiny lady now prefers to be called Madison,

which is technically her name but we have always given her various nicknames.

Peanut, Mads, Maddie, Maddi-Os, Sassafrass and Goober.

But now she asks to be called by her full name which is Madison Rose.

She says it sounds more lady like, and lately she is very into what it is "lady-like."

Tea pots, tea sandwiches, dresses, shoes, and nail polish.

Oh and jewelry, cant be a lady unless you got some bling.
She also loves to read,a passion which she inherited from me.
I love seeing her curled up on the couch with her cute purple bedazzled glasses, nose deep in a book.
But that is Maddie, purple and bedazzled all the way.
She looks so much like me in those moments when you can tell she is sucked into a story.
She has the greenest of eyes, a gift from her daddy, and tan skin, also a gift from her daddy.
 She is pretty much gorgeous, outside and inside.

She has the biggest heart for lonely and shy people.
Since she has been born we have seen friends and family break out of a normally quiet and sad disposition, to one of laughter and joy.
That is truly a git from God right there.
She can make a grump her best friend in five minutes.
She sees the wounded and outcast and extends her arms and says "I want you."
And I tell her that is exactly what Jesus does.
She loves anything about Jesus. She loves His name, she loves the fact He was born in a barn.
She wishes she was born in a barn, no really she loves animals THAT much.
I am so thankful for this sweet girl, seven years ago I was 16 years old, laying on my back crying not because I had to push for 45 min, but because I knew my life was gonna be rocked in the best way. Was I scared, heck yes!

But scared of how much I didn't deserve her, and God still gave her to me.

She was perfect.
Tiny and delicate.
Who knew a firecracker lay underneath that chill exterior.
She is truly a gift, a arrow in the process of being sharpened for the Kingdom of God.

Moved

Last night we returned home from Vermont.

White snowy wonderful Vermont.

The only word that really describes how I am feeling is "moved."

Actually that word was kind of last week's motto.

We helped our dear friends and neighbors move to Brattleboro, Vermont,

And in the course of visiting there for a couple of days, I was inwardly moved.

Praying for over a year and finally getting to see this place,

unbelievable.

Moving.

Getting off a plane to a place you have never been but oddly feel like you are familiar with.

Moving.

Your heart aching to be in a place you have only spent a few days in.

Moving.

Your heart aching for the lost people you now see in front of you.

Moving.

Everything about the trip, from the arrival to the goodbyes (ouch my heart)

was eye opening and yes, moving.

So hard to write down all the thoughts going on in my head.

In many ways I am still suffering from cultural shock.

Since I have been back one thing keeps grabbing my attention.

It is not about how much you know, it is not about how "spiritual" you appear,

it is about Jesus. 

Always has been, always will be.

The people there are searching and seeking truth, love, forgiveness, grace.

And Jesus is calling them

"Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28