When He says "No"

I have gone back and forth with what I want to do with this blog. What I want this blog to say. How I want to say things in this blog. And after struggling with caring more to please man than God, I was convicted. The Lord laid starting a blog on my heart for one specific purpose, and that purpose was to bring glory to Himself through both the ups and downs of my life. To not only challenge me to share parts (I save some bits for myself) of my life and what it brings, but to be honest with my feelings through it.I know that He has a purpose in all things, even someone sitting down in front of their computer and typing out an emotionally raw post, there is His good purpose in it.

So today, I am emotionally exhausted. Today my heart is so heavy. Today tears escape my eyes. And I say escape because I wish so badly they would end and I try to contain them. 

Yesterday was filled with tears, pleading, and surrender to a God who's ways I do not understand. If you have never heard of Diana Stone, she is a fellow blogger and sister in Christ. Yesterday, unbearable pain and agony washed over her and her family as their little baby boy passed into glory. This isnt the first time her family has endured such gut-wrenching pain. 

Yesterday found me shut in my prayer closet on bent knees begging and pleading with God to spare this child. To heal this child and give him a full happy life with his family. Yesterday I begged God to rip this cup out of this precious family's hands, but then I had to say the hard part, I had to say "not my will but Your's be done Abba."

In that moment I was reminded of Jesus in the garden. Jesus was there, on bended knee face to the ground crying and pleading with His Father. So much so that He sweated blood. He SWEATED blood. I have yet to pray that hard. It was there Jesus set for us the perfect example of prayer and a humble heart.

He first said, "not my will but YOURS be done."

Sometimes God says yes, and sometimes He says no. He did not remove the cup from Christ's hands, because it was for our good. He poured wrath onto His own son, and He did that for us. And broken and bleeding and humiliated, Jesus still worshipped God.

So yes I am sad, I am utterly confused at so many things, I am hurting in many ways like so many. But I refuse to do anything less than praise my Savior, author and finisher of my salvation. God never promised a life on earth filled with yes's, so let us cling to our hope and Anchor during the no's. 

I'm Just Gonna Say Yes

I have been in quite the valley of despair, suffering and confliction lately. So many things lay heavy on my heart, so  many "what ifs" and "why nots" that I have been putting on replay in my head. Quite frankly I am putting a lot of trust in myself and my circumstances. Quite frankly I am sinning. 

It's been one of those weeks. One of those weeks where both your sons are teething at the exact same time, your daughter starts 1st grade and  your husband prepares to start a new job. One of those weeks that during it I put a lot of trust in myself to suck it up and get things done! Oh quiet time, well I will get to that, after all I am being a bad homemaker if I sit down and have a few precious minutes of prayer and fellowship. After all I am being a bad homemaker if my house isnt spotless all the time, and my bathroom doesnt smell like roses and my children are not dressed to a T. Isnt this right? 

Truth is if this is whats right then I'd like to be wrong a whole lot more often. Out of this valley of confliction the Lords showing me a whole lot of truth, truth that time with  Him, is much more important for my family then a spotless home. Oh conviction you slay me! 

So for now, though I am still walking through a dismal valley, I am going to just say "yes." Yes when the Lord calls me to some quiet time, yes to praying for someone more diligently, yes to playing with my kids more, yes to taking my hubs out on more dates, yes to exploring and laughing and loving. Yes to being me and finding joy in the unique ways the Lord made me. He made only one of me, and its time I stop comparing, wishing, lusting to make myself dress or act like other people, and time to start desiring a little more of allowing the Spirit to mold me into His image, instead of trying to mold Him into mine. Will you just say "yes" with me?   

This Life a Battlefield

This month is gonna be a crazy one, filled with a mini vacation, my baby starting 1st grade and the anniversary of two of the hardest events of my life. In just a few days will mark three years since I lost my first sweet angel baby,Noah. Eventually I will write more about this sweet angel, when my heart is ready. But sharing that pain, writing it in words, takes time to prepare. This month also marks a year to a very intense, horrifying yet clarifying season in my life. A season I'm still in, a season I'm still heavily relying on The Lord to carry me thru.

A friend of mine, who graciously saw me thru a dark day and opened her ears and tears for me, told me that this truth was a battlefield. A battlefield I was left in after the damage, with the dead and decay of the result of war. A battlefield our God was not about to leave me in. She said all this time, there was death and hurt around me, a silent fog of sincere suffering. But The Lord slowly shifted the scenery, with the revelation of truth came a light on the horizon of this field. No longer is there death, but the truth and provision of the Light. However this field is still slightly hazy, I see the Light always in front, but this fog I must be guided thru for the sun to finally clear away these wounds. If you're ever stuck in your field of death, allow The Lord to break your haze with a hopeful horizon, He promises to see you where you are and lead you.

One day I'm gonna capture this break of light thru a foggy battlefield, frame it, and let it sit as a reminder of this season. Because though I'm still in in, I'm confident my God will walk me to healing, and I never want to forget such love. 

Our Love/Birth Story :Part Three (B)
The Day You Were Born

Oh this was an interesting day. You know those horrible birth videos that people make and the women are screaming and there's blood everywhere and for a second you think "am I watching a birth story or a horror movie?" Thats the kind of material Justin and I were shown to prepare for Maddie's birth. Let's just say one of us may have thrown up. 

At sixteen, Justin and I still had very little clue about what to expect about labor and delivery. We had attended a birthing class which consisted of a very strict doula who was all about the "natural delivery process." Well I can tell you the idea of a water birth sounded good for about two seconds until I found out that you cant have an epidural, then I nixed that idea. If we can do water births with an epidural I would be the guinea pig for sure! (This is not an admittance I plan on having more children, this falls under a big category labeled "Maybe, or Not Ever") But I decided au naturale was not for me. Justin backed me up in that decision, his view was if it keeps me from screaming loudly and possibly crippling one or both of his hands, then thumbs up for painkillers! Don't get me wrong, I have the biggest respect for peeople who can do it without any drugs, if I wasnt such a weenie I would! I actually think yall are wonder woman. Seriously, mad props to you mamas who can do it on your own! There was one point with one of my sons were I was just gonna breathe through the contractions and not start the epidural, but then it got so bad I almost hyperventilated, so hence I cant go natural I would pass out all the time. 

So Sunday March 18 comes along, just like any other day. I am 36 weeks pregnant and still attempting to pull my prepregnancy tshirts over my bulging belly. My friend stops by in the afternoon to say hey. Justin is over hanging out, and there's literally nothing exciting going on in the belly. Then suddenly, my back started hurting and cramping.
"Ok," I thought, "This is incredibly weird but I guess this comes with being nine months prego." I shrugged it off and continued on talking. Then another cramp came along right in my lower back and it made me suck in my breath and wince. Oh boy, game time. The cramps (as I came to find out later "back labor contractions") came like fireworks exploding on the 4th of July. They were consistent, they were relentless, and I was freaking out. I called for me my mom and said "uh my back hurts." And from then all mass hysteria broke out in that house.
My sister immediately broke into tears and started on a rampant about a cookie she had gotten for lunch that the dog had eaten that day (my sister has never been one to have grace under pressure), and my mom and Justin started running around and rushing me out the door. They were extrememly excited, nervous, and a bit crazy.
We arrived at the hospital only to wait 30 mintues in check-in being asked questions if I was in labor, if so blah blah blah and so on. After getting settled into triage I got checked for progress (yowza I did not realize how much I was gonna hate that), and found out I was already 4 cm dilated! Baby day!
I don't remember too much of the process, like I said I opted for the painkillers so I was a little out of it. I remember the epidural process only because that was the only instance Justin almost threw up, the big needle and catheter made him quesy (and now he's a fireman, go figure). I wasn't in labor very long, about 8 hours, which I consider to be pretty short considering I know a few people who's labor was over 24 hrs!
 Pushing time came and my mom came by me and grabbed my hand, Justin was headed for the other side of my head when a nurse stopped him.
"Where do you think you are going?", she questioned, "you are gonna stay down here and hold her leg and see up close and personal what you did." Now I am not saying this nurse had a personal vendetta against all teenage daddies, but she was making sure Justin was gonna feel just as much pain as I did. Poor guy, seriously, I did not even want to look!
If I only had a camera to capture that moment on Justin's face. From white to green to blue to purple, boy was all shades of the rainbow. But he was a great leg prop! Pushing began and after each push I was promised it would be my last. Ladies, this is such a lie, no push is ever your last push until the baby comes out, obviously, but I was promised it was my last push for 45 minutes. Right before the end I freaked out started crying and wanting to give up.
My mom and Justin just encouraged me and told me they would be there, they wouldn't let me quit, and I was gonna be ok. I felt my mom's hand on my head gently supporting me, and saw tears in her eyes. I heard Justin exclaim "here she comes!"
And there she came, and since that day March 19, at 12:24 am, that little tubby 5lb 15oz girl has grown and changed me, just like she is gonna change this world. 

Love Story: Part Three (A)

Love Story:Part Three (A)

This post has taken me forever to write for many reasons. One reason is I have three kids under the age of 7 and any free time I get to myself I usually take a shower and dry my hair, usually by the time I am done one of my kiddos has pooped or wants a snack (not always in that order.) The other reason is this part of my life feels so long ago, it almost feels like remembering an old movie you watch and after a few months forget all the details. Also, because since becoming saved 18 months ago, it hurts to think back on the old person I was. But oh how looking back makes me grateful for Christ and His great grace He gave me, and making me a NEW person in Him. So the best way I can began this part of our story is with a simple phrase "16 and pregnant."

After a couple years of being together, Justin and I decided to make a very adult decision in a very immature time in our life. We bought into the lie that if you love someone, then it's ok to have sex with them. Wrongo! Since becoming saved we have both realized that true love waits, true love is patient. It waits for the covenant of marriage, it waits for the blessing from God after a couple becomes husband and wife. Lust does not wait, and is not patient. And like most teenagers, we believed to be invincible. After all you can only get pregnant if you are old and married right? (we didnt really believe that we just told ourselves that so we felt better about having sex, sometimes I want to slap 16yr old me in the head.) Dont get me wrong, Justin and I did love each other, we have never been with anyone else, but our view on love was distorted, crowded by lies of this world and what "love and sex" look like in this fallen world. So the summer we were sixteen we started having sex. I am not proud of our deceit, our selfishness and our extreme disregard of the Lord's gentle warnings. But in the midst of those things, the Lord saw fit to bless us, and I found out I was pregnant. I almost couldnt believe it, I was alone in the bathroom of a Publix stall and watched two lines become very dark and pink (to every mama out there you know which kind of test I am talking about). I called Justin and told him the news, we both were in shock, and not really knowing how to react so instead of freaking out we were like, "oh ok cool well now that we know let's continue on with our lives and everything will balance out" (insert head slap to self). So instead of accepting reality, owning up and telling our families, we just acted like the situation wasnt real. He continued football, and I continued cheerleading (insert BIG headslap!). About a month into our junior year of highschool, I became sick, horribly sick. I couldnt stop throwing up all day every day, and deep down I knew what was happening. I knew that this was God saying "steph, you are pregnant, this is real, this is happening, and you need to stop lying." Even though I wasnt saved at the time, the Lord still was convicting me and drawing me to Himself, such a patient God we serve. At Justin's house he had just told his mom, thats a story in itself! But I wasnt there so I will eventually let him share his side of the story! Anyway, his mom called mine and said they were heading over to talk, no other details. My mom just knew. So in my bathroom, after throwing up for the 50th time that day, my  mom looked me in the face and waited for the truth. I told with tears streaming down my face. That whole day seems forever ago now, so many emotions packed into one living room. The next day we went to the dr, I was already 14 weeks along in the pregnancy, and everything was healthy, and I heard Maddie's heartbeat, and suddenly the reality of everything hit home. That week Justin and I dropped out of our school, out of cheerleading, football, all our clubs, because in the Christian school we attended, having premarital sex was punished by expelling the students. And we knew that was only fair to walk away. 

It breaks my heart to hear of stories of girls who become pregnant and the boy just leaves, just walks away. That isnt this kind of story. Justin stood by my side the entire time. Though my dad was very upset, he wouldnt allow Justin around expect once a week, Justin supported me and told my parents he was going to be there, every step of the way, he wasnt going to walk away, he was going to own up to his responsibilities. To this day, my parents always say how proud they are of him, how much they respect him for becoming a man in a short amount of time, and not running away. I love him so much for that, every time I look at him I see that same goofy kid I fell in love with but something more, I see an older wiser version of him. I see the beauty that came from the ashes of sin, I see the Lord's work in his life, and I see the wonderful handiwork of our Creator in making a man who portrays the steady servant-heartedness of our Savior. 

During the months of throwing up, tears because I thought my life was over (head slap myself), losing friends and making new ones, saying goodbye but getting ready to say hello not only to a new little person, my sweet girl, but to a life that I have been blessed with that I could never have imagined for myself. Stay tuned for more, because believe me maddies birth story deserves its own post.

Love Story:Part Two

So it's been a few days since I've posted but I have three kids now! Sorry for the exclamation I still surprise myself when I say that. Anyway you're probably on your toes anxiously awaiting to hear how my hubs made his big move in asking me out, its really spectacular. We were sitting at the lunch table, he asked me if I wanted to "go out?" (We are 14 hence we can't drive hence "going out" really means "can I call you my girlfriend and you call me your boyfriend?") Anyway I paused for the longest time(I was a snob) then said "sure." Very casual. so there you had it, bam! instant couple. Oh wait, remember I said I was a snob...

So about an hour after Justin asks me "out," his best friend also asks me "out." This next part is quite terrible and I'm not proud, I said yes then proceeded to dump Justin like a sack o potatoes. True story. That relationship lasted a whole two days, apparently I came to my senses and dumped the other guy. I then thought I was hot stuff cause I went straight back to Justin who immediately asked me back out (if you ask him about the whole incident though its still a touchy subject- fair warning). He took me back, gotta love him. However Justin and i still remain buds with the other guy (apparently preteen dating silliness is easily forgiveable- phew!) And back on track now, so at 14 Justin and I started dating. Actually we never went anywhere by ourselves, our parents drove us to each other's homes to see each other, or wed go to friend's events or school events together(parents driving) Yes very cool. A fun fact, Justin was a football player (a sweaty football uniform never looked so sexy) and I was a cheerleader- this fact will be a little cliche later on so stay tuned. 

So a few (18) months passed and then so marks our first kiss. So very smooth and not a bit awkward..... No I can't lie, it lasted half a second and we were both so nervous and obviously had bad depth perception because our lips hit so hard together we both had a bleeding lip. Our first kiss was literally a head butt. Its not the kissing in the rain or at a train station right before one of the persons leave to go save the world scenario, but its us and I love it, plus this story is really gonna bless our kids down the road. Speaking of our kiddos stay tuned for part three coming soon. 

Our Love Story: Part One

 



I love a good love story. And when I say a good love story I don't mean the Disney fairy tale Nicholas Sparks drama kind of love story, but a real down to earth kind of love story. Where nothing is hidden, where two souls, two imperfect souls, connect and find each other. Where a big God brought two sinners together, and thru His grace kept their marriage intact, even before they were new beings in Christ. Where a love story God wrote many years ago began for me when I was twelve years old.

 

I met my husband for the first time in seventh grade. Let me be perfectly honest here, I was not impressed. Then again, Justin was a twelve year old boy who still considered girls to be on the bottom of his "things to think about after football" list. The first time meeting him in our little class of twenty something other kids, he was jumping around desks like his pants were on fire. The child could not sit still! And as far as my interests in boys, I was still recovering from learning of the guys from NSYNC breaking up. I was pretty convinced I was gonna grow up and marry Justin Timberlake. I did end up marrying a Justin though ;)

 

Justin continued being goofy our first year of meeting, and we didn't talk much. He had his paintballing, video game and football playing buddies, and I had my group of girlfriends who loved watching mushy love stories and daydreaming about our future husbands (and planning our weddings.) Typical preteen girl stuff. We literally watched each other enter those awkward teenage years, where crushes on celebrities turn into crushes on classmates.

My husband would tell me the first time he attempted to relay his feelings for me was in the eighth grade, when he made a remark about my height. (I'm a shrimpcakes I will admit that.) But I did not take the "compliment" well. I wittingly responded back with a comment of my own pointing out his "chicken legs" and feeling pretty confident in my verbal bantering. He laughed and poked at my height some more, he still tries to convince me it was because he was crushing on me...but that's still up for debate. So his big move to revealing his feelings for me didn't go over so well. Don't worry, his skills got a little better the following year.....