When He says "No"

I have gone back and forth with what I want to do with this blog. What I want this blog to say. How I want to say things in this blog. And after struggling with caring more to please man than God, I was convicted. The Lord laid starting a blog on my heart for one specific purpose, and that purpose was to bring glory to Himself through both the ups and downs of my life. To not only challenge me to share parts (I save some bits for myself) of my life and what it brings, but to be honest with my feelings through it.I know that He has a purpose in all things, even someone sitting down in front of their computer and typing out an emotionally raw post, there is His good purpose in it.

So today, I am emotionally exhausted. Today my heart is so heavy. Today tears escape my eyes. And I say escape because I wish so badly they would end and I try to contain them. 

Yesterday was filled with tears, pleading, and surrender to a God who's ways I do not understand. If you have never heard of Diana Stone, she is a fellow blogger and sister in Christ. Yesterday, unbearable pain and agony washed over her and her family as their little baby boy passed into glory. This isnt the first time her family has endured such gut-wrenching pain. 

Yesterday found me shut in my prayer closet on bent knees begging and pleading with God to spare this child. To heal this child and give him a full happy life with his family. Yesterday I begged God to rip this cup out of this precious family's hands, but then I had to say the hard part, I had to say "not my will but Your's be done Abba."

In that moment I was reminded of Jesus in the garden. Jesus was there, on bended knee face to the ground crying and pleading with His Father. So much so that He sweated blood. He SWEATED blood. I have yet to pray that hard. It was there Jesus set for us the perfect example of prayer and a humble heart.

He first said, "not my will but YOURS be done."

Sometimes God says yes, and sometimes He says no. He did not remove the cup from Christ's hands, because it was for our good. He poured wrath onto His own son, and He did that for us. And broken and bleeding and humiliated, Jesus still worshipped God.

So yes I am sad, I am utterly confused at so many things, I am hurting in many ways like so many. But I refuse to do anything less than praise my Savior, author and finisher of my salvation. God never promised a life on earth filled with yes's, so let us cling to our hope and Anchor during the no's. 

I'm Just Gonna Say Yes

I have been in quite the valley of despair, suffering and confliction lately. So many things lay heavy on my heart, so  many "what ifs" and "why nots" that I have been putting on replay in my head. Quite frankly I am putting a lot of trust in myself and my circumstances. Quite frankly I am sinning. 

It's been one of those weeks. One of those weeks where both your sons are teething at the exact same time, your daughter starts 1st grade and  your husband prepares to start a new job. One of those weeks that during it I put a lot of trust in myself to suck it up and get things done! Oh quiet time, well I will get to that, after all I am being a bad homemaker if I sit down and have a few precious minutes of prayer and fellowship. After all I am being a bad homemaker if my house isnt spotless all the time, and my bathroom doesnt smell like roses and my children are not dressed to a T. Isnt this right? 

Truth is if this is whats right then I'd like to be wrong a whole lot more often. Out of this valley of confliction the Lords showing me a whole lot of truth, truth that time with  Him, is much more important for my family then a spotless home. Oh conviction you slay me! 

So for now, though I am still walking through a dismal valley, I am going to just say "yes." Yes when the Lord calls me to some quiet time, yes to praying for someone more diligently, yes to playing with my kids more, yes to taking my hubs out on more dates, yes to exploring and laughing and loving. Yes to being me and finding joy in the unique ways the Lord made me. He made only one of me, and its time I stop comparing, wishing, lusting to make myself dress or act like other people, and time to start desiring a little more of allowing the Spirit to mold me into His image, instead of trying to mold Him into mine. Will you just say "yes" with me?   

This Life a Battlefield

This month is gonna be a crazy one, filled with a mini vacation, my baby starting 1st grade and the anniversary of two of the hardest events of my life. In just a few days will mark three years since I lost my first sweet angel baby,Noah. Eventually I will write more about this sweet angel, when my heart is ready. But sharing that pain, writing it in words, takes time to prepare. This month also marks a year to a very intense, horrifying yet clarifying season in my life. A season I'm still in, a season I'm still heavily relying on The Lord to carry me thru.

A friend of mine, who graciously saw me thru a dark day and opened her ears and tears for me, told me that this truth was a battlefield. A battlefield I was left in after the damage, with the dead and decay of the result of war. A battlefield our God was not about to leave me in. She said all this time, there was death and hurt around me, a silent fog of sincere suffering. But The Lord slowly shifted the scenery, with the revelation of truth came a light on the horizon of this field. No longer is there death, but the truth and provision of the Light. However this field is still slightly hazy, I see the Light always in front, but this fog I must be guided thru for the sun to finally clear away these wounds. If you're ever stuck in your field of death, allow The Lord to break your haze with a hopeful horizon, He promises to see you where you are and lead you.

One day I'm gonna capture this break of light thru a foggy battlefield, frame it, and let it sit as a reminder of this season. Because though I'm still in in, I'm confident my God will walk me to healing, and I never want to forget such love.